Shock

To say that I was shocked to hear from D would be an understatement.

Until now, my blog has been more a form of entertainment and a tool used for venting frustrations than it has been any sort of actual repair to things that I have broken. I’ve used it to spew all kinds of nonsense and ridiculousness that I’d picked up. Sometimes a feeling. Sometimes some nostalgia. But none of that ever actually worked to my advantage.

When I logged in to myspace on Friday, I found that I had several messages, one from D. Of course, reading it sent me into a whirlwind of emotions that Jenn was the only one here to witness. (Which is odd, in itself, given that a few months ago I would have never expected to be crying about D or to be letting Jenn console me over it.) I never really let myself feel the loss of D. Things in my life were changing on a level that I could neither comprehend nor keep pace with and then, before I knew it, she was gone and I was a different person.

The long and the short of it is, she was looking at Jer’s page, saw Epperneperhart, then saw me. She followed the link here and read the post I just wrote about her and our friendship. She described the stumble as “fateful” and I can’t disagree. After two years this is the first contact we’ve had and (although I curse it more often than not) I attribute it to myspace.

I’m apprehensive. Not the bad kind of apprehensive. Not like going to the dentist or giving blood (which D knows ALL TOO WELL that I can’t do anyway), but like…the concert anxiety I have described. Is it too late? Will it matter what I wear when I see her? Will it be the same as last time? I am supposed to have dinner at her house this week. And although I would rather have a one on one meeting with her without the husband (whom I love, but am not entirely ready to be around), I feel that it will be good and am flattered that she has invited me back into her home and that I haven’t worn out the welcome for good. I wanted to meet on neutral ground. I wanted to see if I could ease back into the heart of someone who I dearly loved once before coming face to face with the whole enchilada.

Nonetheless, I am really happy, excited, worried, scared…(insert adjective here)…and hope that this time, I don’t fuck it up too badly. I hope that we can be the same again. I hope that all isn’t lost. Wish me luck.