8.25.2011

Pros and Cons of a Las Vegas Wedding

Ladies and gentleman, here it is, my first ever GUEST POST!

Behold!

If you are thinking about turning that whimsical summer fling into a life-long contractual obligation by hopping on the first flight to Las Vegas there are some pros and cons you should consider first. Thankfully, for your sake, I went to the trouble of making such a list, and I will share that list with you now.
Pro: Elvis Will Marry You
Having the King marry you is quite an honor. No matter which King it is, you’re basically having a royal wedding. And we all know about the boner Americans get over royal weddings. You will probably make it on the news. Also, I’m pretty sure this King won’t insight Prima Nocta, like that bastard Longshanks did to Braveheart. I’m pretty sure.
Con: Love is Fleeting
It is. Nothing lasts forever. Change is inevitable. Diamonds are forever. Every kiss begins with Kay. All the clich├ęs are true. There is a 90% chance that your relationship ends horribly. Leaving you forever scarred emotionally and a piece of you gone forever. Or maybe it will work out, who knows for sure.
Pro: Cheap Buffet
Serving all your guests dinner can be one of the most expensive parts of a wedding. Not so in Vegas, home of the $8 Buffet. Is there anything more beautiful than a woman in her wedding dress asking for extra mashed potatoes? I would venture to say there is not.
Con: You Will Probably Be Cheated On
Statistically speaking, it is likely that anyone entering a serious long-term relationship will cheat or be cheated on. For someone who gets married in Las Vegas that number doubles or triples. Where am I getting these numbers? From a reliable source, that’s where. I have groups of researchers running around the clock to bring you up-to-date statistics like “double or triple”. That’s why you are reading this in a medical journal.
Pro: Nic Cage
It will be just like that Nic Cage movie, “Honeymoon in Vegas”. What could possibly go wrong when you base real life decisions on something you saw in a Nic Cage movie? Full Disclosure: I’ve never seen that movie, but I did see “Leaving Las Vegas” with Nic Cage and I imagine your life-story will be closer to his character in that film.
Con: In The End, You Are Married
That just doesn’t sound like a good time. Remember when you were just having casual sex with this person? Was that not good enough? You might want to think about this for a second and just go back to the casual sex deal. You two were so great at it.
Pro: You Can Always Get Divorced
It’s true. And most married people do it, so it must not be a big deal. And there are literally thousands of lawyers in Las Vegas, so if your relationship falls apart before the weekend is over there are many fine Las Vegas divorce attorneys awaiting your call.
Con: There Are A Lot of Attractive Single People In Las Vegas
And now, you are not one of them.
Good luck!
Kevin O'Connor is a content manager for Olicity Online. If you do decide to get married and then also decide to get divorced, please visit the Las Vegas divorce attorney's office of Naimi & Dilbeck.

8.10.2011

A Favorite

From time to time, being that I have had this blog for an eternity, I get all ambitious and decide to read through again. Sometimes I pick random posts and sometimes I search for specific things I have written about. I have my favorite posts and I have my least favorite ones. I read over, every so often, the heartbreak I've experienced and the debauchery that I have participated in. And sometimes I get a little teary…but most times I am wondering how I survived for the last several years without being killed in some bizarre accident. (I have stolen giant stuffed animals and carried them down busy streets, ya'll! After 17 shots of something terrible that probably tasted like liquorice!) I have really been wanting to find the time and go through and pick out some of my favorite posts from the past, oh 80 years or so, that I have been keeping this blog, but I have yet to actually do it. Today, however, I started thinking about this ONE post that I wrote that I like okay, but what really, really, really makes it memorable and ultimately one of my favorite posts are the comments. One, in particular of course, by a guy I never met and who calls himself Muckypuffin. Anyway, I thought I would share it with you, because every time I read it, it makes me super happy. And it makes me want to…well, send Muckypuffin whatever would be the equivalent of fried spaghetti in his world across the Atlantic. ENJOY!

Victimology

I think that one of the weirdest parts of not really being friends with Spliff anymore is the connection we both have with other people. I have a hard time going to places I know she likes to go because I don't want to see her outside of the office. I don't want to be forced to talk to her in public and I don't want to have to pretend for more than 40 hours per week that I have any desire to be in her life. But that is kind of a weird feeling, even though it has been that way for well over a year now.

In the office, I don't have to make small talk. We talk about work. And honestly, I don't have an issue most days having to spend at least 8 hours with her. We still laugh about stuff and we are "work friends" and I am totally fine with that.

I recently got back into touch with a friend of mine from high school who stopped hanging out with me shortly after (his best friend) J and I split up. I always thought that the reason that we stopped talking so much was the fact that J was his best friend and, even though we had all been friends for over 5 years at that point, I was not. I could see where that would be weird for him. And J. And even me at that point. But, that's the thing with break-ups. You don't always get custody of all the friends in the divorce. And I have been around the block a few times, and I am okay with that. 

Needless to say, last night when BB and I hung out for the first time in over 6 years and he told me that the reason he stopped hanging out with me wasn't because of J, but (like so many others of my friends) because of Spliff, I was pretty…well…I don't really know. I was definitely a little pissed that her selfishness had cost me so much time away from someone that I cared so much for and I was obviously hurt that he didn't make an effort to tell me this before falling off the planet for six years. But mostly, I felt an overwhelming sense of "DUH".

Spliff always had a way about her that made everyone really comfortable. My guy friends (not all, but many) always had crushes on her and, at least with the ones that she wanted to remain friends with (which was only really two of them) she was pretty clear that she wanted nothing romantically to do with them. And those two, followed her around like puppies for years and just pined and pined. But the ones that she didn't care about? Chewed up and spit out. The thing was? I DID care about them. I was the reason they met her. I felt responsible. And I was the one who had to hold their hands through the whole crushing mess. And eventually, because I lived with her for 8 years, I lost a LOT of friends over it.

Last night, sitting with TT (who was a victim, but is now the best thing that ever happened to me) and BB (former great friend and also a victim), I giggled. Because yeah, it sucks that they both got burned by my former BFF, but they both made it. And now have girls who won't treat them like shit. So? Everybody wins. And everybody hates her. (Which also makes me giggle, cause I got the good friends in the divorce.)  There was not really much thought of her at all until BB waved me over to point out the bartender. A guy I used to talk about a bit here, on this blog. Spliff's unicorn. The one guy she could never really have. He broke up with her at least twice, both times crushing her into tiny blonde pieces and both times she was begging for more. (And the last time we spoke of him, she would still take him back.) He did to her what she did to everyone else. And there he was.  

The Molester, having been a friend of mine, also since high school, was the one of my guy friends that all of my girl friends wanted to date and that all of my other guy friends wanted to be. To me, he was just "The Molester". But to Spliff, he was a god. And last night, standing there with two boys that she crushed and the boy who crushed her and knowing that I had lost touch with all three at one point or another because of her, I realized it. There was no doubt in my mind that not being friends with her is the right thing to do. In the end, I just wanted to hug them all (and then maybe slap TM for good measure) and thank them for reaffirming JUST how much I have because I don't have her.

Moral of the story?

Connection or no connection: Removing her from my life has brought me my boys back. And I wouldn't trade that for 20 Spliffs. (Unless they looked like Taye Diggs. Then I would consider it.)  

6.15.2011

Day 30: Your Favorite Song at This Time Last Year

First and foremost, I would like to say that this is ridiculous. At the start of this challenge, I had a hard enough time trying to figure out what my favorite song was THEN. Now I am supposed to remember last year’s favorite song? What?!


I am going to go out on a limb here and go ahead and say that I was listening to a lot of Rocky Votolato at this time last year. I have no idea if this is an accurate statement. But I can be sure about one thing. I heart Rocky Votolato. A couple of years ago, Pookie’s ex turned me on to him and I couldn’t have been more in love. I can also go ahead and say that if I was listening to Rocky this time last year, then I was probably listening to “White Daisy Passing” which is a beautiful (albeit sad) song. And if I was listening to that song, then I was most likely listening to it over and over and over again, thinking about people from my past and either wishing that they were around or wishing that I had punched them in the face when I had the opportunity. Either way…amazing song!





6.08.2011

Day 29: A Song From Your Childhood

Oh man, internet…it is about to get really 1980’s in here.
So, as a female child of the 1980’s, it is totally fair to say that I was kind of in love with Jordan Knight. I tight-rolled my jeans, totally did that wave thing with my bangs, and liked things that were bedazzled and/or fluorescent. (Which sounds much like what you see now, when you enter…THE MALL.) But even with all the NKOTB obsessing, I had time to devote to my real hero. Debbie Gibson.

When I was in second grade, Debbie Gibson’s first album came out. And I was totally in love. I am serious. My friend Scarlett and I probably wore out several Debbie Gibson tapes (yes, tapes. God.) during the course of the time that we were neighbors. Scarlett and I were super-fans. We both dressed up as Debbie Gibson for Halloween one year (and, of course, since her mom was awesome, her costume was better and I spent the entire night lamenting over that bedazzled jean-jacket that I absolutely NEEDED. IN. MY. LIFE.) I was, however, the blonde one, so I felt some superiority because I might have looked a little more like our idol than Scarlett did. 

Scarlett’s mom used to dress us up in costumes to go to the grocery store (and I am talking two 8-year-olds in FULL crazy, glittery makeup and ridiculous outfits which may or may not have involved tutus) and QUITE often, we had to be Debbie. Picture it with me, internet, two miniature Debbies running around the produce section of Winn-Dixie singing “Only In My Dreams”. I am sure that we frightened people. 

So, that, my friends, is my song for today. Now go over here and see if you can picture me and this lovely lady, prancing around the grocery store dressed like little tranny-clowns. Go ahead.