The Hitchhiker in the Frozen Foods Section

Yesterday, I ran into the Hitchhiker. Almost very literally. Spliff and I were picking up a few items at the grocery store that we have been going to for years. I was mid-sentence while trying to push our broken cart out of the frozen foods aisle and there he was. A little more real than I remember him ever being before. That could have been because I was sober. Or it could have been because as soon as I saw his face, all I could think was, “Oh God, he saw me naked.”

As I tried to speed-shop and get the hell out of the grocery store, he was always only an aisle away. He was at the next register when it was time to check out, he was in the next row in the parking lot. He was The Hitchhiker and he’d seen me naked. I fought off a little panic attack and considered packing all of my things and moving to Yemen. And then I settled for drinking a bottle of wine and watching “Growing Pains” with Spliff. (Turns out, she is having her own personal crisis. One that puts my little freak out to shame.) So, we sat on the couch, drinking our wine, singing the theme song very seriously at the beginning and then giggling because we were singing the woman’s part in the duet, even though she wasn’t there yet. (In the earlier episodes, it was only the dude.) Then I was able to revert back to my childhood and ooze about how cute Kirk Cameron is (pre-bible thumper guy who only makes religious movies and appears on that creepy channel with the lady with the scary makeup).

Thank you, Kirk Cameron, for making me forget about how fucking stupid I am if only for a few thirty minute increments.

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