Some of you might remember a couple of years ago when I dated a gay guy.
It started one night when Fish Head and I decided to have a night of sisterly drunkenness and went to every bar in a 5 mile radius of my apartment. We went to visit The Molester at work and for some reason ended up with three glasses in front of each of us, turned upside-down, symbolizing a drink that had been paid for. Although, we weren't sure who was paying. They kept coming and coming and The Molester kept mixing and mixing and finally a guy walked up to us and asked us if we were okay on drinks. Turns out, he was the culprit. He told us that he was walking over to another bar, but that we should walk over when we get done. As soon as he was gone, we started handing out our free drinks to the people sitting next to us and people walking by. FH wanted to talk to Mr. Deep Pockets, so we walked over to the bar across the street where he said he would be.
It was almost last call, so we tried to squeeze in to a spot at the bar, but there were too many bodies, so we headed to the bar at the back of the place. That's where I met my Gay Boyfriend. After I had ordered my beer and attempted to pay the bartender, she pointed at a very clean cut guy (which explains why I hadn't even noticed him) who was standing almost immediately to my left with a guy who was very obviously in the Navy. He smiled, I smiled, and then he approached. For some reason we started talking about books and plays and Garrison Keilor and Ryan Adams and then the "ugly lights" came on. Naturally, having never been approached by someone intelligent at a bar before, I didn't want the conversation to end. So, of course, the four of us piled into his car and went to breakfast.
Our first "date" was the next weekend. I've never been a big dater. In fact, most of the guys (90%) that I have dated have first been friends of mine for a few years before I start seeing them differently…or vice versa…whatever…anyway, the point is, I am not very versed in the dating game. When you are dating someone you have known for 5 years, you don't have to do all of the dumb shit that you do when you are getting to know someone. But, I was handling it pretty well until I spoke to Pookie. Because if you aren't spazzing out, and there is any chance that you should be, you should call Pookie, she will ask you what you are going to wear and then you will look down at what you are wearing and realize that you look like a moron. Not only that, but that you don't have any clothes at all that you like and that there is NO time to buy a whole new wardrobe. That's right. Pookie.
When he called, we hadn't decided where we were going to go and he was new in town, so really it was up to me.
"I hope this isn't too forward, but…how would you feel about getting a bottle of wine and listening to some music?"
It might sound a little hokey for some, but for me, it is perfect. I didn't really know how I felt about entertaining the guy I met at a bar at my house, but, I knew how I felt about wine and music. So we made a night of it. He showed up, thankfully, dressed down from the night I had met him, with a backpack on his back. I was confused until he put it on the kitchen counter and opened it.
"I brought red and white because I didn't know which you like. And I'm sorry I took so long, but I wanted to stop by and buy the new Ryan Adams album and some blank CDs."
Swoon. You brought me TWO bottles of wine and Ryan Adams?!
We talked all night and spent the next day at the beach and every weekend thereafter, we spent Sundays in the sun, drinking gin and tonics and listening to James Brown (he loved, loved, loved James Brown)…And every time, it was more and more evident that he was gay, but hell, we weren't sleeping together and we liked the same stuff and I've made out with a gay dude before! So, I figured it didn't make any difference at all.
Everything was fine until he bought linen pants. Linen pants on a closeted gay man who has a secret crush on his best friend and who is obsessed with James Brown. Hell.
You'll all be glad to know that, when I was trying to avoid eye contact with him this morning at Starbucks, he was wearing regular pants. I wanted to ask him how his best friend is doing, but I can't talk to my gay ex-boyfriend with my hair in a mess on the top of my head and no mascara on...