You're a girrrrl...or maybe a wagonnnn...filled up with pancaaaaakes...

Things are changing more quickly than I can comprehend now. I am getting older, people are going away, having children…living, dying…

So I went to the Christmas Eve service at church, which usually includes a candlelight vigil and lots of singing. I am not sure when it started, but I always get really choked up during the service and usually have a hard time resisting the urge to cry. It has gotten worse in the last two years since my grandmother died. She was, in my mind, the absolute meaning of Christmas. She was always worrying about other people, volunteering, just being a GOOD person. So, now…even setting foot inside the church that she attended for 15 years freaks me out. I tend to start to get teary the second I walk inside. This year, I think I did pretty well. I only cried for about 3 minutes and only because Fish Head started first. Emotional Dominoes.

It is weird how a season can make you feel so many different emotions. Why just during a season must we feel these things? What sets this time of year apart from every other day? I understand, more during the holidays, what it means to treasure people, but also…I feel more annoyed with them than at any other time during the year. Because I am expected to be here…and then there…and here again. We are all pushed to the limit. So much so that we can’t even enjoy the season. The togetherness is somehow overlooked amidst the hurrying and visiting and arguing. We don’t even realize that this could be it. This could be the last time we have this togetherness.


So…that is what I tried to focus on this time. All of that. I put all of my energy this Christmas into just trying not to get stressed out and trying not to be annoyed by everything. It worked. For the most part, anyway.


The last week of 2004. I can’t believe it. I can’t believe that I am 25! I still feel like I am 17! It is funny how quickly this year has slipped through my fingers. THIS year will be a big one…I have a feeling about it…and so do my tarot cards. They agree that 2005 will be large.

Stuck-in-my-head Song of the Day: "Daughters"- John Mayer