I have to be candid here. I suppose that sometimes, I tend to skirt around the real issues in my life and talk about someone else’s instead. It is easier to hide that way. I have always been a pretty skilled “hider”. So, last night, I am sitting in front of my computer with a glass of wine and a cigarette and I am praying, and I mean praying, to find something fantastic, something clever…SOMETHING to write about. And then I realized. There is abso-fucking-lutely NOTHING going on with me lately. Aside from the fact that I have become far more introspective than can be good for someone in my state.
At first, when analyzing my foul mood, I attempted to blame it on Jane Green for writing such a girly novel and forcing me to read it. But then I remembered, I don’t know Jane Green and she didn’t put a gun to my head to read her sappy, happy ending book. D. did. So, D. should suffer. But D. is in the hospital, so I will let her slide this time. So, I thought further.
I had actually had a lovely day alone in my bedroom with my tea and my book. But something felt sour when I had finished reading. I called Brandy to chat. Brandy who always has clever and amusing things to say…and then I felt better. And then we hung up. And then I felt shitty again.
I think it has to do with men. I never really concern myself with them. In fact, two weeks ago, I made a little pact with myself that I would not be bothered with them…until…who knows, they cause way more trouble than they are worth. I know what you are thinking, this little crush that I have, can’t be cohesive to the pact. But it is, it is completely innocent. So innocent, I’m afraid, that it is shameful.
I think that the problem is, with all of these couplings and break ups and sappy, girly novels, I am starting to feel (Gasp!) as if I might be missing out on something. This is quite a foreign feeling for me. I am typically content with being alone. Precisely the reason that I surround myself with so many friends. But, as you have all heard before, I don’t like my friends much. Of course there are exceptions, but they are few.
So, I am having this strange, pit-of-the-stomach, something’s missing, sort of feeling. I feel separated from the rest of the world in some way. Like the entire planet has just seen the best movie ever, and I missed it. I am alone.
Stuck-in-my-head Song of the Day: "Silent All These Years"- Tori Amos