Twenty-three

So, I’m a bad friend.

The 3rd Anniversary of Matt’s death came and went and I didn’t say a word. And, let me assure you, it wasn’t because I didn’t know. It was just because I didn’t think that I could deal with it. I feel so far removed from the world that I lived in during that time. So distant from the people who showed up at my house that night. And not just distant in miles, but distant in…thought.

In a way, not having to talk about the anniversary with the people that I share the tragic bond with, made the whole thing a little easier. I could sip my coffee and surf the internet just like any other day and almost push the memory back far enough that it wouldn’t surface. But there were reminders.

And those reminders…well, they made it hard to get through the day without hearing the voices of the people who know the ache. I found myself wanting to call but not knowing what to say. Even to people I have known for years. Because lately, feeling speechless is nothing new for me.

I have very little desire to relive the days of that year. I have very little patience for people who remind me of the horrible things that happened and sometimes it seems it would just be easier to walk away. Rather than be reminded of pain and loss.

But I guess I feel the need to apologize. To you, (you all know who you are) and to him. Because I don’t ever want to have to push memories of him back. And I feel tremendous guilt about having done so.

friendship

death