On Dating...

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about boys. I know, it sounds completely unlike me.

No, but really. Since all of my male friends are starting to freak out about approaching thirty and not being married, I have decided to evaluate my situation. I made a list of things that things that I look for in a relationship and then I made a list of deal breakers. This is what I came up with.

Things that I look for in the opposite sex:

• Sense of humor. This is important because I really can’t stand being bored. This may have something to do with an undiagnosed disorder. But I can’t help it. I need to be entertained.
• Physical attraction. From my experience, if a guy only has three teeth or a mullet, I don’t tend to want to date them. I can forgive most things. Beer belly? Sure, sometimes they are quite charming (plus it means that they may be able to beat me at a game of Power Hour). Balding? Okay, but I might insist that he try to make it look like it is on purpose with a shaved head or something.
• A job. Okay, I realize that I don’t currently have one, but this is important. I don’t want to be taken to McDonalds for dinner on 49 cent cheeseburger day. This is not my idea of a good time. And because I don’t have a job, it is much more important that the guy I am dating DOES have a job. Duh.
• Good taste in music. Because I am sort of a snob about it. If a guy is rolling down my street to pick me up and he is listening to Pink, we have a problem. If he is listening to Wham!, then I will make fun of him endlessly but I will not change the station and I will bop along silently. It’s true. I totally will. (I am not saying that Wham! Is considered “good taste in music” but I appreciate the comedy in it and comedy, as previously stated is imperative.)

Deal Breakers:

• Gayness. I stopped dating gay guys after I went to a James Brown concert with my Gay Boyfriend. It was too traumatic to discuss.
• Homelessness. If you are homeless or live with your parents, stay away from me. It might sound shallow, but if you can’t find a place to live or can’t cut the umbilical cord, then you don’t need a girlfriend. We tend to be sort of…irritated about that.
• Carlessness. Okay, now it is important to know that I will not be driving your ass around. I won’t. I don’t do it for my friends and I won’t do it for you. If you have a car, but do not have an apartment/house, living in your car does not give you brownie points. It makes you scary.
• A drug habit. You can smoke pot. I will not tell you not to. But if you ask me to stick a balloon filled with white powder into any part of my anatomy before we get onto a plane, I will cut you with the nail clippers that I snuck past the security gate.
• Cockiness. I hate cocky guys. I don’t like it when you tell me how much money you make. I don’t care if you have a house, a car, a boat, a pool, a small island somewhere, if you have to incessantly talk about it, you must have a small penis. (If you have an island and you give me half of it, I don’t care how big your penis is.)
• Excessive shortness. I don’t like guys who are shorter than me. I just don’t.
• Pretty boy-itis. I like boys who look like boys. I like boys who do not take longer than me to get ready to go out. You are a man. Don’t stand in front of the mirror for thirty minutes admiring your inch-long hair when I have just thrown my ridiculously long hair into a ponytail. Unless you are gay. And then I won’t date you anyway. And don’t pop your effing collar, you look like a tool.
• Mama’s Boys. If you have dated one, you have dated them all. Get over it. Seriously.
• Uber-sensitive guys. I like a guy who feels things. But I don’t like a guy who cries at commercials. That is my job.

As you can see, by the deal breakers, I have ruled out every single guy who lives in my town and neighboring cities. This could be why I remain single unless I am dating a guy who lives at least two hours away. Go figure.