Hospital Hostility

We are a hospital. Most of the patients that I deal with are fucking certifiable. I have PMS, am tired, and am having severe back pain. Don’t fuck with me.

Some tips for dealing with PMS in the disgruntled hospital employee (namely, me.):

First, I have to say this ONE MORE TIME. My name is not “hospital operator” so chances are that when you call my desk looking for Dr. Whothefuckcares, I won’t know his number either. Unless, and this might be way beyond your comprehension, I pick up a little book that all employees are given (called a “directory”) and look the guy up. I am not going to fucking do it for you, you wanker. So, if you hear a click, hang up. And either DIAL the number that looks sort of like this “0”, or (assuming you can read) LOOK IN THE GODDAMNED BOOK (read: dir-ec-tor-y).

Second, if you are calling to find out about a patient’s status, then you should know (especially since you are claiming to be a fucking physician) that I can’t give you any medical information…(See HIPAA guidelines, you fuck.) I don’t care who you are. I don’t care who the patient is. I. SAID. NO. And the beautiful part about all of that “NO” is that I can sit here and stare at the answers to the questions that you are asking me and STILL not fucking tell you, because you sir, are a prick. (Neener Neener Neeeeener.)

And last, but not least, number three. If you are a patient and you have already called me three fucking times this morning, then you should take the following steps before dialing my phone number:
1. Think. Have I already dialed this number today? Is this God’s direct phone number? Does Crystal have a time machine/skill of mind reading/shred of sympathy for me since I won’t leave her the fuck alone? How much do I value my life?
2. Back away from the phone.
3. Sit the fuck down and watch Andy Griffith until I call you back, you impatient bastard. It’s on all the time, don’t worry.
4. Remember what I said to you the LAST three times you called. It probably sounded something like this: “Dr. ______ is in with patients now, I will let him know that he should call you as soon as he can.” “I don’t know what number you are on the transplant list and even if I did, I am not authorized to tell you. I will have your nurse call you.” “In order to receive Medical Records, you will need to speak with someone in the MEDICAL RECORDS department.” Or “Call me ONE MORE Goddamned time, I dare you.”

I'm so glad the hate's not all lost forever. It's refreshing, no?

That is all. Have a lovely day.


shirley said...

Eeek! This is not what Grey's Anatomy makes hospitals seem like at all. Maybe you should just have sex in a broom closet!

Babs RN said...

Heh heh. Well said.

christine said...

can we watch Law and Order instead of Andy Griffith while we're waiting? it, too, is on all the time.

spaceface said...

Yeah, Law and Order will do...I was mainly thinking of old people and people who don't have cable...
Old people love Andy. Its a fact.