The Tale of the Incredible Expanding Ass

The last few weeks, the weather here in Florida has been fantastic. I mean, like, the kind of fantastic where I can still walk outside in the morning wearing a flowy little sundress and not freeze my ta-tas off but it gets cool enough at night that a little sweatshirt action (or cuddling) might be necessary. We are lucky here, because we get to hold on to that last grasp at Summer for a little longer than most. Now that the colder weather is approaching, (seriously, supposed to be in the 60's this weekend! EEEEK!) the question "What the hell am I gonna wear?!" is looming.

The facts:

1. It will be too cold soon for flowy sundresses.

2. I only ever wear flowy sundresses.

3. I am in a panic about which (if any) of last year's jeans will fit over my rapidly expanding ASS.

4. Diet or bigger jeans?

This is my own fault, internet. I have fallen into the "I have a boyfriend now who eats whatever he wants whenever he wants" lifestyle...which I foolishly equate to "I have a boyfriend and if he can eat pizza and ice cream and not gain any weight, then I can eat pizza and ice cream too."

This is incorrect. I cannot eat pizza and ice cream. I will continue to get fatter and fatter until my ass actually needs its own zip code and until I am being rolled everywhere because I can no longer find my legs. You know, like Violet in "Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory". Only, hopefully, I will not also be violet. That would just add insult to injury.

So, what am I gonna do about this? I am not really sure. I could always actually, you know, stop eating pizza and ice cream. (Which, of course, would mean that TT would no longer be permitted to eat those things. Which, of course, might make him very bitter. But one would think that if I had a better ass, he might see the payoff. Right?)

Ugggghhhh...Why isn't it hot to be pale and fat? Why?

1 comment:

Hespyhesp said...

I second this. Pale and fat should = HOT!