Now that I finally have the guts to post it...

I catch myself sometimes, in a moment that may not seem like anything special and I think, “Right now, we are making a memory”. I think about how much different it is in my head than it will be in the minds of the others involved. I will remember the smell of the air and the strangers walking by and I will remember that hilarious thing that was said and the song that was playing when I saw him. Sometimes it is too painful to think about how the moment will be over in an instant and that this memory will be all I have left of it. This memory that will not be concrete. This memory that will be what I make it anyway. It will never be true. It will become more and more skewed as time passes. I will forget smells and faces and songs, little by little. It is a sad thought.

There are moments that I wish that I could go back and change now. There always are. For everyone, I suppose. I wish I had said the right thing. I wish that I had listened harder, I wish that I had been the bigger man. But I can’t go back. And sometimes, when I think about how much these moments changed things, I wonder about how much difference it would have made if I could have just said the words that spun in my head the last time J and I spoke. I think that if I could have just…broken down, just once time, things could have been perfect. I hate myself for making these mistakes. I hate that I couldn’t just push the pause button and give myself a second to react to him. I want to just erase it.

Why do people feel the need to punish themselves? I wasn’t strong enough to let him in and my weakness cost me what we had. Because I see now, that the small problems that we had, were an excuse for me to push him away. I see now, that when you aren’t paying attention, things just kind of get out of control. And what you thought was important, was just a lie.