I wrote a letter today that I never plan to send. I think that it is more for understanding my thoughts than it is to actually express them. I suppose everyone needs to do this occasionally. I had some pretty emotional moments this weekend and I guess I just needed to get them out of me and onto paper. That done, you would think I would feel better. But I am not especially happy with the resulting feeling. I almost feel worse now that I can see the words before me. And now I feel, even more, that those words have to be said. But these words have to be direct. More direct than I am accustomed to being.

I have tried for so long to be unaffected and now I am paying for it in the worst way.I really just want to start fresh here and get everything out in the open. I want to be free of all of it. And honestly, I don't know what I am afraid of. I guess it is the unknown, the uncertainty of the path if I choose to take it. These words could change everything. It is petrifying to think of it like that. It is scary as hell to think about how much could change for me if I just let myself say what I need to say. But these words have controlled me too long. They have dictated how I live my life and they have been a burden that I can no longer bear. The tingle in my stomach is more intense every time I try and psyche myself up for this and the threat of bearing my heart and soul are more than I can take. But it seems that there is a lot of this going around. And it also seems that it takes a whole lot of bravery to be the one to put it all out there. I know I don't have much to lose, if anything at all. But I am not scared of losing. I am scared of being honest and what I can't figure out is if I am afraid of being honest with myself or if I am afraid of breaking down the wall that I have spent so long building.

The truth is, scribbling words isn't worth a whole lot unless they reach someone. The hard thing to do is, let them go.