Today is going to be another day like Tuesday was. A bitter one.

Father’s Day approaches. I hate Father’s Day because it is always a reminder of how far away my father chooses to live. I am used to him being far away, and I am used to him being an absentee father, but more and more, the older I get, the more I resent him. The shorter the emails get. The less I care if he calls on my birthday (which, by the way, he doesn’t anymore.) More and more, the sympathy that I had for my father for having to put up with my mother for so long, is replaced for sadness for my mother for having to do so much all alone for all those years. It makes me hate him even though he was the one who always understood me, while my mother chose to ignore my problems thinking that they would just go away if she paid as little attention as possible. The fact remains though, that the little bit of understanding my hippie father gave me, wasn’t enough to fill the void of my mother not wanting to. And of him not being around when I needed him. And his lack of support for my mother who was busy trying to be Superwoman.

I sent him a one-line email today, which consisted of nothing special but a forced Father’s Day wish. Behind this forced wish was resentment and pain. I fought the urge to tell him how much pain he’d caused everyone in our whole family. And how, despite how I used to admire his following his bliss, it was selfish of him to be so far away from his aging father. And his daughters who, up until recently, saw him as their hero. At least, this one did. But the truth is, he is no hero. He is a coward.

Today is full of disappointment.

I am disappointed in one of my friends, as well. Well, you know…a couple of them. The post yesterday was, I suppose, a preemptive strike against listening to people’s shit. I am having such a hard time expressing myself lately. And it isn’t just here on paper, or in this blog, or in person and I am so irritated with the people who have always been close to me. Maybe I am just irritated with myself for letting things start to get to me. Because I am frustrated. Because I want to be able to let all of my shit out too. And I can’t. And partially because people just expect me to be this…rock…and when I’m not, the fact that I am emotional is overlooked or underestimated.

I am disappointed in one person because he/she is the first person to say that he/she will always be there for me, but is also the first person to ditch me. And this isn’t the first time it has happened. But it is the last. I can assure you of that. It is easy for me to say it this time around because I know the signs. I know exactly how it all started last time and personally, it isn’t worth it to me to do it all again. I have too much swirling around in this head of mine to concern myself with people who do not deserve my concern.

While others are being selfish and horrible, I am just trying to keep my frustration with mankind under control and not kill them.