I ran into J’s girlfriend yesterday. I wasn’t sure how to react to her at all. I am not even sure that she knows that I know they are dating. It doesn’t really matter though. It probably would have been weird to see her even if they weren’t. I just don’t like to have to make small talk with people just because we have known each other since we were sixteen. I don’t think that it makes sense for me to pretend that I really do want to know how she is doing. Because honestly, what would we have to talk about now? She is with someone who used to be with me. Where could the conversation go? Quickly down the wine aisle, that’s where it went yesterday…or, that’s where I went, rather.
I ran into J for the first time since we broke up, a couple of months ago. It is a strange feeling when you are looking at someone you hardly know anymore and remembering a time when you knew everything about them. He felt foreign that last time. He gave me the kind of hug that was familiar but scared. Like he was afraid, at any minute I would put a dagger into him back, but still not really wanting to be unfamiliar.
Seeing him brought back a lot that I had tried so hard to push away. I had held back so much with him. I had been unfair. He was a man who was willing to give me everything and I couldn’t let myself reciprocate. I don’t know if it was the fear of letting my guard down like I had with my first serious boyfriend and the risk of getting hurt, or if it was just J himself. I couldn’t put my finger on it then, and too much time has passed now to evaluate.
Nonetheless, I broke his heart. I did it with so little guilt that I scared even me. But I knew, even then, when I was so unstable, that what I wanted, he couldn’t give me then. I knew even then, that the only thing keeping me from happiness was me. And even now, when I am happy, I still wish I could take that back. I wish I hadn’t broken him the way that I did.
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