I had a dream about J last night. I don’t remember much of the details except a comment he made about it being too hard to hang out with me, and the look on his face when he said it. We weren’t alone, but with that comment, he and his look slid out of my apartment without a glance back in my direction. And I felt it. The pang of guilt and sadness and regret. Just like I had felt the day that I saw him on the road. Just like I had felt when it all ended. And I thought of the perfect description within the dream of this feeling, said aloud, “I have to blog this”, and then woke up.
When I dream about J, I always wake up feeling sad. And regretful. And guilty. It is the same thing every time. Different scene. Same emotional tug of war.
Sometimes I wish, even if just within a dream, he would just scream at me. Just tell me how badly I caused him to feel. How horrible I was. Just so that I can have some peace of mind. I want to discard the pleasantries that we always share when faced with an awkward encounter. Maybe if he could just let me have it one good time, it would resolve all of this extra stuff that weighs me down. But then, I might not deserve that either. I am probably being punished with it. Remnants of yet another thing that I screwed up because I was not only selfish, but scared.
He’ll never give me the satisfaction of a good fight. He never would. And he may have forgotten all about us. But I know, judging from the last awkward encounter, that he hasn’t let it all go just yet. Maybe it isn’t even about him. Maybe it is about my need to explain.
Either way, I guess I shouldn’t hold my breath. It would be nice though, if he would stop polluting my dreams with that look.