Sometimes I wonder what it would be like if I had stayed with Jer and gotten married and done all of that shit that he is doing now. Without me. And…honestly, don’t get me wrong, I don’t miss him (at least not in terms of our relationship), but I see people moving on and getting married and having kids and all of that, and I wonder what it would be like had I chosen that path instead of the one I chose. One of “the single woman”. One of someone who rarely lets people in. One of someone who isn’t lonely, but who is mostly alone.
Could I be a wife? A mother? Do I have any desire to do these things? Not really. Not mostly. Probably not. At least, not yet. But sometimes, when I’m not paying attention, or when I am looking at a distant friend’s life (silently lurking there), I can’t really see her filling the roles either. But she does. Every day. And, although I don’t know this for fact, I imagine she is quite good at it. And I imagine she loves every minute.
It’s so strange to me how people who used to be so much alike, can now be so different. And how, the one who everyone thought would be the last to settle down (me, I think, being one of the first on the list of expectation), seems to be the first. And I wonder how hard the transition must have been. And I wonder if I am selfless enough to ever do it. (I am a selfish bitch.) And I wonder if it is some sort of gene that causes this metamorphic process and if maybe some people, just don’t have it.
Because people always say, “You will one day.” When I talk about not wanting children. Really? Because I am 26. And still, nada. And I don’t feel bad about it. And I don’t feel like I owe an explanation for it. But the looks on people’s faces is one of something…much like pity. Like they are saying to me, with their eyes “it’s a shame that you are so selfish that you can’t appreciate the creation of life.” But oh, I can appreciate the creation of life…I am just not so sure I want to participate in it.