Violation (Now with Added Calcium)

When I walked into my building on Friday, I could see that one of my windows was broken. Silly me, I thought maybe a kid had been playing and thrown something into it. I was wrong. When I got inside, I realized that my worst fear had become a chilling reality. My apartment had been burglarized. El yaaaay!

I called 911 and waited two hours (with Jenn who was the best EVER and left work early, brought me a big beer and distracted me from the mess that was my apartment) by the time the cops got here, my neighbor had gotten home and realized that her apartment had been hit too. But they didn’t break the windows, they just opened them and crawled inside. The cop was super nice (and Ernge LOVED him) and he was sympathetic and explained the process after taking the list of items missing from my shaky hand. My neighbor, her boyfriend and his friend, Jenn, JGJ and I sat outside and drank beer (because we were instructed not to touch anything until the Crime Scene Unit guy got here) until the apartments were both covered in black dust.

The guy across the hall got home at around 9:30 and he realized that he had been hit as well, we offered HIM beer and he joined us outside while we (again) waited for the cops. It was a long night but after many, many beers and talking to my neighbors (who I have never spoken to before), I felt…at least…a little better. Although…it was an odd crime.

Items taken from my apartment:
Several gold rings (irreplaceable and most of them custom made.)
3 copies of my resume
$20 in change
3 one dollar bills.
A half pint of skim milk
A half a piece of cheese
A few pretzel sticks from an open bag
Some cereal

Items left or used in my apartment:
Black, faded Coors Light shirt found under my bed.
Filthy washcloth (that I used to own.)

Items taken from across the hall:
Tool box
Two cell phones
A Fresca
Half gallon of milk
A pair of boxer shorts

Items left or used in apartment across the hall:
Shower (filthy and disgusting.)
Razor. (evidently the guy needed a shave.)

Items taken from next door to me:
One orange bike.
Slice of left over pizza.
One Mastercard.
Several gold rings.
One can of Busch beer
One bottle of Juicy Juice

Items left or used in apartment next door to me:
One bath towel (damp when she got home.)
One black tool box. (from apartment across the hall)
One half gallon of milk (taken from across the hall)
One pair of black boxers left in the trash(taken from across the hall.)
Filthy white socks. (in the trash.)
Microwave (they must have hung out a while. Heated up the pizza and had a beer.)

That’s all I can remember right now. But I have said it before and I will say it again…if it can happen, man, it will happen to me.

Needless to say, I am paying extra to move into my apartment today and tomorrow. My boss will probably kill me because I can’t be there tomorrow…but I would rather have my boss pissed at me than be…ummm…violated any further. That’s all I got.

Peace out, bitches.


Tracie said...

That is definately the most random burglarized story I have heard. The fact that he left some of the stuff taken from one apartment in another one is strange.

themachineghost said...

aww man! I'm sorry Criz! That sucks. I'm glad they didnt take TOO much stuff (although it sucks about the rings). You must feel violated. Filthy hungryass motherfucker.

At least you were already moving.

Why was the shirt under your bed? I hope you washed your sheets. Just in case. Maybe there were 2 people...you know...

themachineghost said...

Oh, and look at the bright side...he took your resume...maybe he's got CONNECTIONS, yo!

spaceface said...

I think if he doesn't have his own boxers, that he doesn't have the sort of connections that i want...thanks though...lol

sjer said...

Reminds me a little of Goldilocks and the Three Bears, and now I'll never see that story quite the same way. Those poor bears must have been completely creeped out. Sorry about the violation, very weird burglary.