Magfest and a Gay Penelope

Okay, so...

I haven't had a whole lot of time to write lately...which is a total travesty and I know that you (all 1 of my readers) are going nuts from the suspense that I have caused. I know...seriously...I know.

So anyway, over the past few weeks, I have gotten a lot done. By a lot, I mean...well...nothing in particular, but this nothing, my friends, has kept me super busy...

Over the past weekend, I had the pleasure of attending Magnolia Fest...and if you haven't been and you live in this area, SHAME. ON. YOU. First of all, I want to say that even though I didn't get to attend the entire thing, I LOVE it. LOVE LOVE LOVE. I got to see a bunch of great bands and run around like a little hippie child for two days and I was in absolute heaven. But this heaven did not come without a healthy dose of hell. First of all, I got free tickets...so it was totally rad. I was so excited I nearly peed on myself. But then, because Spliff had agreed to go and then had gotten her weeks mixed up, I had to take someone else. A problem since everyone I know works during the week and I needed someone for Thursday and Friday (since I was supposed to be putting up posters and stuff, hence the free tickets...) So, I did the obligatory, ask all your myspace friends thing...and came up with only a few candidates who I felt were...well...tolerable. Let me just say, that I picked the wrong fucking one. I didn't so much pick him as he just became the most convenient...and then later, the most annoying.

Anyway, said person is staying with L and her girlfriend, so I decided to pick him up Friday morning and get on the way so that we could make it to the festival by one. Okay, so I downloaded directions to L's new house on MAPQUEST (Curses to you, you fucktards!) and got totally lost. I was 20 miles out of town before I could turn around after 20 minutes of detouring through downtown (which, by the way, is the worst place in the WORLD...) so, naturally, I was a little...aggravated already. Anyway, so I am in a place called Hell...oh, I mean Starke...and it is seriously the middle of the NOWHERE which I have heard isn't really a town but a huge speed trap...meanwhile, I have to pee so bad that I am pretty sure that it is coming out of my eyeballs. At this point, I think, well, it can't get any worse. And then it starts to rain. I hate driving in the rain. I hate trucks. I hate hydroplaning. I hate it all. Worst of all, I hate talking on the phone while driving in the rain while having to pee. WHILE BEING COMPLETELY LOST IN THE SPEED TRAP MECCA OF THE UNIVERSE WITH NOWHERE TO TURN AROUND. But alas, my phone rings...and not only is it an unknown number, it is a relay call. MEANING? There is a deaf person on the other end. MEANING? The phone call will last for 45 minutes. Now, don't get me wrong, I love everyone. And I love said deaf person, but they have just passed a no-cell law in Florida and it is one thing to have to talk for three seconds to say, "I am turning around and will be there sometime before Easter" but it is quite another to have to wait for an operator to type that and then wait for a typed response and so on and so on...you get the picture.

So, my bladder is exploding, I am lost, driving in the rain, on a relay call, and I am in the speed trap from hell, so I can't even hurry up. Yep.

Once I picked my guest up, things went alright. He was so thrilled to have been able to come that I thought he would burst, but...then, if he had talked anymore, I might have stabbed him. Have you ever seen the Penelope character on SNL? Picture her, only shorter, male, blonde and gay, and you have my companion. And now you can see why I wanted to stab him.

Once we actually got there, things went alright, aside from the bitching from him when I got to drink beer and he didn't because he is only 20 (bastards) and doesn't even DRIVE...but we listened to music and looked at cute boys and when the day was done, I was content to have him sleep through the whole drive home.

The next day, I had invited Thing Two because I needed a buffer so that I wasn't homicidal. It worked out rather well and I managed to shush the gay successfully throughout the Toots and the Maytals show. Thank Cheesus. The show was great and I got some fantastic pictures...which I will share later...and I was able, after several road closures and detours to make it home by 4 in the morning, leaving me three hours to sleep before work! WOOT!

Now I have a bitch of a cold and am trying to recover before the Ben Harper show on Thursday...Holy God...Help me.