Blogging for Jesus

Spliff and I live in a small beach community (not terribly small, but compared to the city it is affiliated with, it is tiny) where, on a typical day, we will run into at least one person we know or someone we see a lot. For example, there is "Babushka" who is an old lady who wears a scarf on her head, carries a plastic bag, and wears bright red knee socks and walks up and down our main street every day, there is "The Pirate" who wears a worn brown leather pirate hat, carries a boom box blasting classic rock and a blanket, and yells at cars as he walks up and down our main street, then there is "Hot Jesus". "Hot Jesus" is a guy who can't be much older than Spliff or I with a long blonde ponytail and a black trench coat. He takes pictures of the bank which is across the street from my office and walks back and forth along the main street...Of course...because that is what people do...

The street is a pretty busy strip of road, in fact, it is three blocks from the ocean and it can take you anywhere in the beaches area, so...

"Hot Jesus" has been doing this for a long time. Spliff and I have seen him almost daily since long before we worked in this office and had a big window overlooking the strip. The other day, things got a little strange(r).

I would like to preface all of this by saying that as part of my job, I am on the phone a lot. It is the nature of my job. I am on the phone all day long with healthcare professionals with drug and alcohol addictions, mental illness, and other issues, so my calls are usually not funny. That said, back to the other day.

Okay, so I am sitting in my office, with the phone attached to my ear...the line is ringing...and ringing...and ringing and suddenly, I see him.

"Spliff! There's Hot Jesus!"

"Where!?" She stands up to look out the window but she is on the phone too and can't see him.

"Right there! In front of the bank! I wonder if he is going to take some pic---" The voicemail recording starts...and Hot Jesus lights a cigarette, bends over, and crawls into a bush. Seriously, he is maybe 200 feet away from me and he is crawling into a bush. And there I am trying to leave a voicemail about something completely serious and not scream about the weirdness that is occurring across the street, because THAT voicemail would sound COMPLETELY sane...

Spliff and I waited and waited and waiting for Hot Jesus to resurface. I had the girls downstairs on standby. I had given the receptionist orders that if anyone saw him, they were to buzz my office. It never happened. And 2 and a half hours later, Hot Jesus was walking towards City Hall like nothing had ever happened.

The idea that Hot Jesus was homeless was just...unacceptable so Spliff and I clocked out an hour later crossed the street in Spliff's car and tried to inspect the bush for any signs that this was his home. Of course, we could not perform a thorough inspection because, a) he might have us arrested for breaking and entering or b) he might have roommates. Either way, we didn't see anything out of the ordinary and didn't want to look like weirdos poking around inside of a bush on a busy street, (also, our director was still in the office and has a clear view and we didn't want to be institutionalized...) so we just left...perplexed.

Every day since then, we have wondered about Hot Jesus and his affinity for this bush. Does he live there? Does he just take naps there on sunny October afternoons? Does he have a family stashed in there? I mean, this is clearly not a small bush, people. Anyway, no sign of Hot Jesus all week...until today.

Today was windy and rainy and just...gross...and about an hour after our meeting this morning, I glanced out my window and spotted none other than HOT JESUS! In the rain and wind, wearing the same clothes he had been wearing a few days ago. And he was walking toward the bush!

Of course, I announced this to Spliff and Hannah, who are as inquisitive (read: nosy) as I am and we watched him walk on the sidewalk about 50 feet past the bush and then look defeated and turn around and go back towards it. This time, he crawled inside and resurfaced seconds later with not only his backpack which he always has, but a briefcase. This prompted a few MORE questions about Hot Jesus.

1. What is IN that briefcase?
2. Does he run a small business from inside the bush?
3. Is he going to blow up the City Hall?
4. Is he friends with The Pirate? Babushka?

I CAN tell you, internet, that he did not blow up the City Hall. However, he did enter and stay inside for quite a while and then come out. Sit down, stand up, sit down, stand up, and then get on a bus to go downtown. It is a mystery.

1 comment:

Ben said...

hey crystal - it's ben :)
i read your blog every now and then and I have seen babushka and the pirate.
I haven't seen hot jesus BUT how about "the walking guy" with the headphones and the tense gait with black hair and youngish - wow, sentence structure...

and also the age indeterminate miami vice former military, skinny heroin dealer 5 o'clock shadow guy (clearly my nicknames can't hang with yours)?

if i yell really loud do you think you'll hear me? we can't be too far apart.