The Curse

Her: Whatever you do, do NOT turn on the Eagle radio station right now.

Translation: PHIL COLLINS.

I know, I know internet. You have no idea about the significance of the mention of Phil Collins in my life. I haven’t gone into this for fear that it would culminate MORE insanity. But now is the time. I should really explain.

Back in high school, I had this deliciously quirky friend named Alex. She was beautiful and smart as hell. And more importantly to me, she was a wealth of musical information. This chick knew every song ever made. Like…ever. And she knew who sang it. And what year it came out. And who the drummer of the band was. And if he dated Kathleen Hanna. And this was not limited to music made between the years of 1985 and 1999, this was, like, all music ever made. All the music. Of. All. Time.

Anyway, one day Alex and I were having a pretty deep conversation with regard to her extreme (and before this conversation, secret) hatred of The Eagles, and right in the middle of her dissecting the lyrics to “Tequila Sunrise”, her face became serious.

“I am going to tell you something that you are going to remember for the rest of your life.” She said.

I braced myself for this intense and important thing she was about to say to me and then I waited.

“You will think of Phil Collins every day. For the rest of your life.”

Naturally, I protested, thinking that there was no way in holy hell I would have that many occasions to think of Phil Collins. Not only did I not despise him enough to give him much thought ever, but because of my distaste for Disney movies, I didn’t think about him at all. So, yeah, there was disbelief but I humored Alex and considered the possibility that, after this moment in time, Phil Collins would become a staple.

What I didn’t realize was that Phil Collins is fucking everywhere, you guys. And Alex was right. You will wake up in the middle of the night, realizing that you have forgotten to turn the TV off, and you will see Phil’s big, round head on the screen. He will be singing “Su-Su-Sudio” and you will curse the day that you ever heard this story. I know what you’re thinking though, internet. “Why would Phil Collins be on the TV in the middle of the night singing ‘Su-Su-Sudio’?” The answer is this: The universe is obsessed with Phil Collins.

You don’t believe me? Just wait.

So, there you have it. If you hadn’t already heard the story of the birth of The Phil Collins Curse, you were lucky. I didn’t want to have to do this to you, internet. But, I did what had to be done. Avoid your TV. Avoid cheesy radio stations. Avoid leaving your house all together.

And don’t even get me started on the number 23.

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