Well, hello again.
I wanted to take this opportunity to thank you for, not only being the most careful person in the office (I can only assume that you are the most careful person, as you are most definitely the slowest. I give you mad props for being so cautious in your work and caring enough to appear almost slothlike in everything that you do. It proves that you are most accurate and amazing at your job.), but also for assisting me with my job on such a consistent basis. You know, I really, honestly don’t know what I would do without your constant comments from across the entire office to tell me how to check email or respond to questions when I am on the phone (and cannot hear over you to actually have the conversation that I happen to be engaged in…) I think that the entire office will agree that you are quite a big help.
I am sure the office will also agree that, while your age-inappropriate slumber parties with other religious freaks are fascinating, they are far too exciting to speak of with coworkers. The stories you tell fill me with so much joy and longing to be part of what you are part of. I think that you probably notice that this longing is painful for me as I constantly turn away from you and block you out when you are telling me about your niece insisting to paint your nails “super sparkly pink” and making s’mores with your friends after the nine hours you spent at church on Sunday.
In closing, I would like to express my appreciation for all you do but to ask that, in the future and to save me the painful longing of missing out on scrap-booking parties and nail painting, you refrain from speaking at all, thus, releasing me from the growing urge to staple things to your face.