"But it's my last day!"

“Tuesday’s Gone” played on the jukebox at the pool hall last night. That’s when I knew I was in trouble.

The weekend went like this:
Friday: Drunk with Susie, Jay and Tiff.
Saturday: Was woken up by a drunk Tiff and a drunk Jay at 8:30 am. Since it was Tiff’s “last day”, I changed her name to Spliffany and had three mimosas for breakfast. There may have been food involved. No one can be sure. Spent the entire day, deliriously tired and being peer pressured to be a lush. Gave in to per pressure. Was a lush.
Sunday: Boycotted Easter. Stayed home and packed. Tiff left to go home to Orlando for good this time. Ridiculously large amounts of alcohol were consumed with Jason, against my better judgment, and I stayed up entirely too late which resulted in tardiness to work this morning. Which resulted in me wanting to kick Jason. (That’s right, Jay, I will kick you.)

I think that I can safely say that I am locking myself in my apartment all week and not seeing anyone. I will not drink, I will not leave the confines of my home, until my shit is packed and I am ready to move. Oh, moving. The joy.

I did, however, meet Robert. I suppose I didn’t meet him, but I ran into him again. I met Robert at a Wailers concert probably two years ago. I thought he was super hot and because of the buzz that the second hand pot smoke and beers had created, I was able to actually make that known to him. And he called me and then I blew him off. Because this is what I do.

For some reason, it seems that, if I get what I want, I immediately don’t want it anymore. It then becomes the scariest thing in the world and I must do everything in my power to fuck it up. I am good at it. And this process keeps me from ever having to get involved.

It seems that all of my friends are going through these types of things as well. Some of them are dating new people, some of them have recently become single, some of them (like me) have been single for a long time, but we are all going through the same things. We are all doubting ourselves, making excuses and not being completely honest. I know that I am never completely honest about my being single. The truth is, I am more self sufficient than most. And I am, for the most part, content in being alone, and have taken pride in the fact that I am so good at it. But, what I never will admit out loud is that I miss it too. I miss having someone to love. I just hide it better than most.

So, back to Robert. The jury is still out on whether I will go out with him or not. I want to, but then I have a paralyzing fear of rejection. Of not being good enough. Of being dull. I know that I am funny, and fun, and intelligent and interesting, but for some reason, I am scared that these things are all in my head and that maybe, just maybe, I am no different than everyone else. Maybe I am one of those forgettable people that no one remembers meeting. Maybe I am painfully average.

I need to dissolve these feelings. I need to regain the positive outlook that has been snatched from my grip by years of disappointments. I need to dive in.