Things to say

The thing that I love about my cat is that, no matter what, when I get home, he is happy and ready to see me and wants to talk. He asks me about my day, I give him dinner, he thanks me and then he goes out to play. We have an understanding like that. And we are both fine with it.

Yesterday was the two year anniversary of Matt’s death.

The day was supposed to go like this:
Wake up at a normal time.
Get all cute.
Go to Sandy’s wedding with Jen.
Meet up with FH and friends for a birthday celebration.
Come home.

The day actually took place like this:
Wake up at not such a normal time.
Stall.
Get moderately cute.
Head to Jen’s.
Deal with doorknob altercation and being locked out in the 205 degree heat.
Miss Sandy’s wedding.
Meet FH and a very bitter/moody birthday girl.
Party it up (while the birthday girl moped)
Cry my face off with LBG and FH.

I woke up this morning with eyes swollen shut and that nasty headache I get whenever I cry my face off. I feel bad about missing the wedding even though it isn’t anyone’s fault. I feel bad about BG not having a good night. I feel bad about losing my marbles in the Taco Bell drive through. But I maintained a happy face until only the close ones remained.

Also, I don’t know if the letter has reached its rightful owner yet. I don’t even know if I care right now. Right now, I feel numb. And tired. And generally blah. And I wish more than anything else that Jay were here last night. I don’t know that it would have changed anything, but it might have eased my mind a bit.

It is hard to maintain the level of outward strength that I do. It is difficult to keep my neurotic outbursts at bay in certain company. It is exhausting and it is something that, more and more, I am letting go of. The people who know who neurotic I am love me anyway. And I would hope that, despite a crying fit here and there, they will continue to do so, because I don’t have the energy anymore to keep it under lock and key.

Stuck-in-my-head Song of the Day: “Don’t Look Back in Anger” - Oasis