Bad Tenants

After the giant blur which we’ll call “yesterday”, I came home and tried to lasso beer bottles from every corner of our apartment before inducing sleep. Granted, I probably could have slept without drugs, but I have this new distraction which seems to keep me up a lot of the time. Spliff. Sometimes, even when I am exhausted, I would rather be sitting on the couch watching trash TV and laughing than sleeping. But yesterday, I made positive steps towards a good night’s sleep. And then I heard it.

“Goooooo, GATORS! WOOOOO!”

It started just as I was tucking myself into bed with my tattered copy of “Go Ask Alice” (which I will read as many times as I possibly can before I die) and didn’t stop until…well…today?

Why is it okay for the neighbors to be loud enough to wake me up from a PM Coma, but it isn’t okay for someone to knock on our door at 12:30am? I mean…I can see where both would be a distraction, but…Ummm…door knocking vs. drunken screaming? You tell ME. I got nothing.

The crazy landlord called again this morning, still obsessing about changing the air filters (this is code for “I want to snoop through your shit while you aren’t home.”). What bothers me about this is that she won’t take no for an answer. I am not particularly comfortable with this ancient psycho rifling through my drawers and stuff. And she absolutely refuses to a)let us change the air filters or b)come to do it on a day when one of us can be there. I feel like putting mouse traps all over the house and sitting outside and listening to her yelp every time she opens a drawer. She already criticized us for having “high heels” and “liquor magnets” the last time she was inside, I can’t imagine what she would say if she found…umm…other stuff. (While I am relieved about it, I am still confused as to why she wasn’t shocked by the “I love my penis” magnet or the one that says “I love cocks.” (And yes, we actually have magnets that say things like that. Because we are mildly retarded and because people keep giving them to us. And because they are goddamned funny! Shut up!)

Anyway, it looks like “Inspection Day” will be Thursday. I can’t decide whether just to leave all of the stuff I would rather her not see out all at once, or just let her go snooping…either way…I am sure she has already had a field day. We will just wait to see if the junk drawer is organized, (she evidently organized the previous tenants’ junk drawer…which contained…their pot) and then hang sex swings from the ceiling or something for the next visit. Eh…

Anyone wanna buy me a house?

Stuck-in-my-head Song of the Day: "So Like Candy" - Elvis Costello

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