The Anatomy of a Productive Saturday

When Spliff got her last minute guilt trip about not wanting to go home for the weekend, I was fairly certain that aside from her violent opposition on the matter, she would give in. And that is exactly what happened. I was, on one hand, ecstatic that I would actually get my wish of a silent apartment and a “sleep till noon Saturday” and on the other, sort of bummed that I would have to make plans and venture out into the world if the mood struck me to be entertained.

I slept until noon. I cleaned the kitchen. I watched “Teen Witch” and wished Fish Head were around so that we could practice the “top this” rap battle together. And then, I got insanely bored. Normally, had I had money, I would have decided to drag one of my friends out or go bar hopping with Jennagiraffe, but I couldn’t make myself do it. Despite invitations to parties, bars, and clubs, I sucked it up and stayed home. I watched Danny Bonaduce, while babysitting his kids and two others, rub their odd-looking dog down with bacon, affix some to his collar, and take the kids outside to find coyotes and shoot them with some sort of pellet gun. I watched China Doll threaten to go “midget bowling” with Vern Troyer. I watched Drew Barrymore host SNL for the 850th time. And I drank enough wine to calm the antsy feeling that had been building all day.

It wasn’t all bad though. I learned some valuable lessons:

If Danny Bonaduce wants to babysit, don’t let him. He will rub your dog down with bacon and try to lure coyotes. That’s probably not a child friendly activity.

China Doll is a huge, scary idiot and she should pick on someone her own size.

How to poop in the woods. With or without a partner. (See? Who says the Real World isn’t educational?)

And that, my friends, is the anatomy of a productive Saturday.

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