Eddie and The Nose

In 1994, when I heard that Eddie Vedder had married Beth Leibling, I immediately screamed, "But her nose is the size of my head!" and then I cried for four hours and ate a carton of Phish Food. I could somehow take pleasure in the fact that, even though she was married to the love of my life, she was still ugly...and seriously, if I were 13 or 14 years older and lived in Seattle and had, you know, ever met him, that he would have married ME. Duh.

Today, seven years too late, I find out that Eddie has divorced "The Nose" and his little girl belongs to some idiot model girl. Who is only two fucking years older than me. What the hell is that?! This is a travesty, that's what!

Just so you know, I am pathetic. The mere mention of Eddie Vedder makes my legs feel like cooked spaghetti noodles and I will not have him marrying some model bimbo. I will not have it, Jill. (What kind of a name is JILL? No offense if your name is Jill...I really only hate it if it belongs to someone who is dating my husband.)

Ever since I heard Pearl Jam for the first time, I have been obsessed. I own 27 Pearl Jam CDs (most of which are not to be handled by anyone but me), several vinyls, books, magazines, posters, I have seen them 8 times in concert and I would seriously cut off both of my arms to meet Eddie. So, it pains me that, just when I had gotten used to the fact (13 years after the fact) that he had married "The Nose", I learn that they are divorced and he is dating this Jill McCormick person. I will cut her. (Even if I have no arms, I will find a way. My love is strong.)


Now playing: Pearl Jam - Not For You
via FoxyTunes

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