The interesting thing about living alone is that it affords you all sorts of time you wouldn't normally have to a) think about things you wouldn't normally think about when people are "all up in your grill" and b) read over your blog. I have to say a couple of things here. One being that I think an awful lot.
I was talking to a friend today about first kisses and first loves and all sorts of cutesy things in the spirit of...you know...nothing at all. Actually, with Fish Head getting married in a week, things have been sort of weird for me. Not because I thought I would get married first or that I even see that in my future at all, but that my LITTLE sister is getting married. I see in FH and Mr. Fish Head a whole lot of love. (And he can fight me on this as much as he wants, but I love her more.) I am so proud of her. Not for finding love but for knowing how to maintain it. We weren't raised to know how to do that and I can only speak for me, but I sure as hell don't have the slightest idea how. I could be cynical and cold. Or I could be realistic. The jury's still out. But I have definitely been in love. And I know I couldn't make it last. Fear? Maybe. Idiocy? Probably.
Do I think my "first love" was love? No. But when I found it, I knew what it was. And I ran screaming for the hills. Because that is what stubborn bitches do. Do I regret it? Not entirely. I do, in that I miss that "feeling". I remember every single detail of his face. I remember the exact moment that I knew I was in love. I remember every single word of the first voicemail he left me. I remember the smell of the candles at dinner on our first date. I remember the first instant I saw him. I remember everything. But could I make it work? No. But he wouldn't have wanted me that way. I wasn't ready for him yet. Am I ready now? I have no idea. I would be hard-pressed to say yes.
I respect love. But I don't entirely believe in it.
That is where the blog-reading comes in. You can't read back on some of the posts in my blog and believe that I never believed in love. It is pretty evident that I did. Or do. Maybe I am just hopeful. Either way...Some days, a girl just wants the "feeling" back.
And other days, she wants to kick boys in the teeth.