11.10.2005

Spaz...

“Can you take a week off?” He asked before he could even manage the word “hello”.

These are the types of things that, regretfully, I cannot just answer. I need to know why. I need to know when. I need to know all sorts of things. I am not a risk taker. I take the safe road every time. The one that I know. The one that will lead me right where I want to go with no surprises.

“To come here.”

I’ve never been there. “There” is a world that I had never been part of. And I always thought that when I went, there wouldn’t be so much pressure. There would be some sort of comfort in it. There would have been no letter. There would have been no insane confessions. No child.

And yet, with all of these odds against me, I am going. I am going because I know that if I can just break this mold, I can let myself, for once, be happy. But I need a sneak preview.

He is so sure. So sure that I can fit in there. So sure that it is the right thing to do. So sure that it is…the way things should be. And I can’t lie, his confidence makes things a whole lot easier for me to envision. Just knowing that I did not make an ass of myself is more comforting than anyone can know. But then there’s me…the skeptic. The cynic. The realist. Who tells the dreamer in me to wake up. To get my head out of the clouds. To see the flaws in my master plan.

And I do see them. I do. I just think that, for me, the good outweighs the bad.

In the past, I have felt small. I have felt not up to par. There was always something that didn’t fit. But never with him. And for some reason, he brings something out in me that even I don’t recognize. Something that there isn’t even a name for.

And the funny thing is, I have never said the word love to him. Even in the letter. Even when pouring out my soul. That is the sort of thing that I need to see his face for. I need to look into his face and know that it is what I want to say. I don’t want to cheapen it in written form. I don’t want to say it over the phone. I want that part of this to happen when it is supposed to. And thus far, it hasn’t been right.

So maybe this trip will be just what we need. A moment to have a moment. A moment to see what it all means. Because even though I care a lot for him and am willing to alter my life for him, I can’t be sure what’s right until I see his face.

I really am not this much of a spaz. I just finally grew some balls and decided that if I didn’t do something crazy, I might not have another chance. So here we go. Let the craziness begin…

6 comments:

wmjwatson said...

Uhhhh... um... didn't you JUST say that you loved him right up there? A few paragraphs up? Where you say you have never written or said it over the phone? The implications of those comments basically are that you DO love him and, if he reads this, he will know that. If he doesn't already. Hmmmm.
Anywho...at least there's no asterix in this one.

spaceface said...

I SAID I haven't said it to HIM...No...I haven't...and he DOES NOT read this...or know it exists...

wmjwatson said...

Why not? is it so you can freely talk about him?

spaceface said...

I can freely talk about him anyway. I can freely do whatever I want to freely do...

wmjwatson said...

So that's a yes.

Colin Brooks said...

Good luck! I really feel the same way with you. I always want to see the reaction on the other person's face, yet I am too big of a chicken... I never have the balls to say it to that person's face. Can I borrow your balls next time?

Colin