Magic Mike and Mayonaise

I didn't sleep well last night. Even after three martinis and a huge cheeseburger, I couldn't do it.

I had two dreams that were particularly odd.

In the first one, I woke up and the clock said that it was 9:18 but it was dark outside, so I thought I had missed work. I got up and walked into the kitchen, talking to Spliff (of course it wasn't our kitchen, it was my grandparents' in Michigan) and I looked out the window and watched several tornadoes justfly right by the windows. It seemed that there was one out of every window in the house and they never hit anything (partially because there was absolutely nothing else on any side of the house) but just kind of…scared the bejesus out of me and then left. And then Magic Mike called. So I had to go to his house and he was drunk and I was still in pajamas. He was angry at his girlfriend (the one he was dating about 6 years ago who is still in love with him) for showing up naked at this place where he was working. (This doesn't seem like the kind of thing that MM would get mad about, but…who knows?) We were sitting on the floor in the living room and then he pulled out a pair of clippers and shaved his head…and then he went to the sink and poured some sort of bleach on it and then I did the same thing. My hair turned a weird shade of orange and MM kept telling me that we should make out (This was a little weird, because even though we have made out, we never TALK about making out…) and asking me why we never got dressed up and went out to dinner and stuff…it freaked me out. I woke up and was "Skerrd and confused…"

So, after 45 minutes of trying to silence Ernge, stop thinking about the job issue, and wondering why MM was such a weirdo in my dream, I fell back to sleep. This time, I was at Jer's wedding. Clearly, I was not invited to Jer's wedding and I seriously could not see myself attending anything of the sort but there I was…It was in a weird place. Almost like an auditorium where they would hold a university graduation or something. There was an olympic sized pool out right outside and people were running around in bathing suits and shorts and stuff. I was sitting upstairs on a couch in a weird little room that everyone had to go through to get to the restroom when this girl/guy (not sure, "he" had what looked like breasts but was very masculine and confusing) came in and took a knife and put mayonaise in my soda. I don't know why. I don't know where the mayo came from, I just know that I was pissed and said, "Why the hell did you put mayonaise in my soda?" and he/she laughed and went into the bathroom. So, I went to buy another drink, this time I got coffee and went back into the room. And another guy entered (this time it was for sure a dude) and put mayonaise in my coffee…So, I stood up, grabbed dude by the collar and demanded that he get me a new coffee. I yelled at him and said that this was the second drink ruined by mayo and I would "punch him in the nose" if he didn't march his happy ass downstairs and get me a new coffee. (I don't know if he did, but I was sitting in this room forever with two drinks full of mayonaise.) Jer's parents looked bizarre, almost like they had been transformed into beatnicks…Come to think of it, they sort of looked like John and Yoko. Only, Jer's dad kept calling his mom "Carrie" which is so NOT her name. Somehow, I ended up watching some weird video of the bride-to-be at her bachelorette party, which was like one of those videos from the Miss America Pageants where they are all in bikinis and are orange-tinted and look ridiculous with that much makeup on while playing slow-motion volleyball on a beach. You know…like that…Only, of course, JB's wife was there, and she is no Miss America (but she wears even more makeup). People around me were standing so close that it was like a concert and I was so confused when an older man came out from around a corner and told me that they wanted me to be an usher to which I responded, "It isn't bad enough that I have to BE here, but now you want me to USHER at my ex-boyfriend's WEDDING?" (Not that this hasn't happened to me before…Hello, gift table!) I agreed, reluctantly, but then some idiot spilled a vodka and cranberry down the back of my shirt (not that I was dressed appropriately anyway) and I had to tell Jer…I called him something very pet-namey and his wife told me that my hair color was fake…I didn't punch her. (I know…it is really weird.) After that, the only thing that I remember is that when the groomsmen were walking down the aisle, they had their faces on one of those huge screens that they use at massive concerts so the people in the back don't feel left out, but they couldn't get JB's name right.

No wonder I never sleep.