Tonight I found out that Ricky is leaving sooner than I had thought. It is weird that it has been four years since we were introduced. And now "Mr. Lynch's" is leaving me for San Diego. He says he will meet me in February in Vegas. I will miss him so much though. Seeing someone every day for so long makes you just take them for granted.
This has quite a strange effect on me. I feel, in one respect, like I am losing so many of my best friends...but in another, I feel as though, this might be helping me to realize how lucky I am to have so many good friends. People who have put up with me through so much...but most of all...people who have shown me...so much about life...and about love...and about companionship. Something I never learned from my family. Something I never really believed in.
I love you guys, and I may not say it so much...and I may not show it. But I do. I love every last one of you. I feel like a big sap for saying any of this at all. But I am more emotional than I let on...more than anyone knows. More than I want you to know. I am more normal than you all think. I hate it.
I wish that I could just let go.........................
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"Quarter Life Crisis"
They call it the "Quarter-life Crisis." It is when you stop going along with the crowd and start realizing that there are many things about yourself that you didn't know and may not like. You start feeling insecure and wonder where you will be in a year or two, but then get scared because you barely know where you are now. You start realizing that people are selfish and that, maybe, those friends that you thought you were so close to aren't exactly the greatest people you have ever met, and the people you have lost touch with are some of the most important ones. What you don't recognize is that they are realizing that too, and aren't really cold, catty, mean or insincere, but that they are as confused as you. You look at your job... and it is not even close to what you thought you would be doing, or maybe you are looking for a job and realizing that you are going to have to start at the bottom and that scares you. Your opinions have gotten stronger. You see what others are doing and find yourself judging more than usual because suddenly you realize that you have certain boundaries in your life and are constantly adding things to your list of what is acceptable and what isn't. One minute, you are insecure and then the next, secure. You laugh and cry with the greatest force of your life. You feel alone and scared and confused. Suddenly, change is the enemy and you try and cling on to the past with dear life, but soon realize that the past is drifting further and further away, and there is nothing to do but stay where you are or move forward. You get your heart broken and wonder how someone you loved could do such damage to you. Or you lay in bed and wonder why you can't meet anyone decent enough that you want to get to know better. Or maybe you love someone but love someone else too and cannot figure out why you are doing this because you know that you aren't a bad person. One night stands and random hook ups start to look cheap. Getting wasted and acting like an idiot starts to look pathetic. You go through the same emotions and questions over and over, and talk with your friends about the same topics because you cannot seem to make a decision. You worry about loans, money, the future and making a life for yourself..... and while winning the race would be great, right now you'd just like to be a contender! What you may not realize is that everyone reading this relates to it. We are in our best of times and our worst of times, trying as hard as we can to figure this whole thing out.
Thank you for being inside my head. It is comforting to know, even through something as personal and impersonal as this blog is, that I am not going insane.
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