On Spoons

These have been a lovely couple of days, internet. For one, my car isn't working so I have been basically stranded for the last few days. Stuck in the apartment, spending too much time playing online poker, thinking too much...blah, blah, blah. Then, The Kid and I break up. And that is a whole different issue.

The Kid and I were together for a little over a year. We started out pretty shakily because he was, after all, a kid and I was just starting a new chapter in my life and was sort of lost and aimless. He spent a lot of time lying to me about things he'd done, things he hadn't done, all sorts of ridiculous crap that I wouldn't have given a shit about either way. I was so angry at him when he came clean about all of this stuff, that I could barely see straight. I was so embarrassed that I had fallen for any of it, that I didn't tell anyone that he had made so much up. Why did he do this? I don't know. It was like some sort of high school bullshit. Or like a really bad storyline for a sitcom. Only it wasn't funny. I am not very trusting to begin with so starting out dating someone who can't even tell you that he hadn't been on the high school football team was...interesting. (sidenote: Like I would give a flying fuck if he had played high school football! Seriously???) We almost broke up before I knew his middle name.

But he started to get to me though. I liked his little accent and the dimple in his chin (which I normally hate on people) and I liked his smile and how genuine he seemed (although, in the back of my mind, there were still those times when I couldn't believe him). Things started to fall into place for us. We found a balance between my being an older, more experienced, independent control freak and his being a mature, naive, little boy and we fit pretty well. He eventually learned that there were things that I will not tolerate and I eventually learned that sometimes, I just needed to be patient. We had really beautiful times together and then we had some really fucking terrible ones. Ones that I don't think I would have tolerated from anyone else. But his age was his "get out of jail free" card, so to speak. I could overlook some of the jealousy and the need to control things, because I knew he just didn't know better, he hadn't been here before.

Over the past few months, I have started to feel lost again. Like I don't really know what I am supposed to be doing. I haven't been writing and I haven't really been enjoying anything. I have been stuck. As far as my relationship with TK, things have been pretty rocky. Our relationship has been a roller coaster for sure. And somewhere along the line, we have been derailed. No matter how strongly I felt about him or how hard I tried to make things better, nothing was working. At my age (I am not saying I am old...), I don't feel that there is as much room for error anymore. I feel that, if you aren't happy, then you have to do something to fix it. To BE happy. And yes, I knew somewhere inside me that I wasn't going to be happy with TK and I knew that he would never be completely happy with me. I knew that we were too different. I knew that we wouldn't last. But I still tried. I pushed those doubts away and I busted my ass to work through everything with him so that we had a fighting chance. But I think both of us knew that it wouldn't work.

Now TK is angry with me because my reaction to our breakup wasn't up to his expectations. I didn't cry or get upset because I felt like...this was what had to be done. I knew that he would be okay and I knew that I would be okay. I knew that, obviously, I would miss him but I also knew that we had to do what was best. And I stand by that. I can't say that I am not relieved. I am. I am relieved that we can both look back and say that we did everything we could. We worked on things and we couldn't fix it. Breakups are always sad. They are always painful and they always hard. But I honestly believe that we did what is right. He will find someone who he can love and who will love him and who will accept him for who he is. Someone he doesn't have to try so hard to impress. He has grown up so much in the time that we have been together and I am proud to have been able to witness it and possibly play a part in it. And yes, I am sad. I am not going to crawl into a hole and die or anything...but I am definitely going to mourn this relationship. I just hope that someday he will understand why I feel that sense of relief. I hope that he can just accept it and find it in himself. He has the whole world in his hands and he will continue to grow and he will be the most amazing person.

Anyway, it is bittersweet. I am exhausted from trying. I am hurt that he may never forgive me.