Open Letter to The Annoying Bitch at my Office

Dear Captain Speaks when not Spoken to:

I am sort of a wordy bitch, so I understand having something to say about most things. The thing is, oh annoying one, I try to avoid jumping into conversations that people are having across the office. I avoid this for several reasons 1) if they are that far away, they are probably not talking to me, 2) if they wanted to talk to me, they might try something like...addressing me directly, and 3) I do not assume that everyone gives a shit what I have to say. I know, I know, that might seem a little unreasonable, seeing as you seem to think that EVERYONE is ALWAYS talking directly to YOU. But I assure you, we are not. In fact, when I lower my voice and am looking directly at someone while speaking, I am usually just talking to THEM. So your incessant, "What? What? What?" gets a little, you know...wearing. I am not asking that you stop speaking altogether, (however, I am a firm believer that this might make the office a much more bearable place) I a mearly suggesting that you might...you know...BUTT THE FUCK OUT. Keep in mind that this is only a suggestion, but it may save you from getting your teeth knocked out before 9am on a Monday morning. I'm just saying...

I would also like to point out that when engaging in a conversation that people are TRYING to have with you, gradually raising your voice until you are the only one that anyone can hear is really fucking rude. And again, annoying. I don't know if this is something that you can help. I don't even know if you are aware that other people are talking. Or if you have some sort of disorder (if this is the case, a tiny amount of leniency is totally granted). But you should wear a sign or something. It should say, "I am the most annoying conversationalist in the UNIVERSE. Prepare to be infuriated."

Well, I think that about sums everything up. Thank you...and SHUT THE FUCK UP.

Sincerely,
The Criz