When Spliff, Jennajawhore and I moved into our apartment at the beach, there was a lot of adjustment. There was my adjustment to living with girls (outside of just my sister and my mom), Ernge’s adjustment to living with more people and a very young, Beege, Jennajawhore’s adjustment to actually having to pick up the dishes from her bed (after we placed them there to deter her from leaving them everywhere else), and Spliff’s adjustment to a new town and a whole lot of new people.
It took a while and a lot of getting to know each other to fit into our prospective niches and while we were all settling in, there were lots of experiments and experiences. Some were fruitful, others…well…not so much.
Immediately, Spliff and I fell into a routine of inside jokes and debauchery for two, obliviously excluding Jenn, who desperately wanted to fit in. Since Spliff and I had cats, Jenn, while stalking a boy she met at a bar, picked up a stray near his apartment. She brought her home and called her Cecilia (because, as you might not know, Jenn is obsessed with Paul Simon and would listen to Kodachrome on repeat for days or until someone stabbed her in the neck).
Jenn, being a full-time stalker and not having the time to care for a pet, left Cecilia (“Ce-Smell-ya” as she was later named) at home to terrorize our cats every day. This started a chain of events which we shall call “The Battle of Spliff and The Whore”.
The first thing that you must understand is that Jenn, being a princess and all, didn’t pay rent, nor did she work full time, nor did she cook, nor clean, nor take any sort of responsibility for anything at all. So…her adoption of Ce-Smell-Ya was doomed to be a disaster from the start.
Day One: Ce-Smell-Ya is literally dropped off in the living room by an elated Jenn who then runs right back out the door after proclaiming, “I got a cat! Her name is Cecilia!” The cats all hissed and growled at each other all day.
Day Two: Ce-Smell-Ya has started to bully the Ernge and the Beege, making them skittish and nervous.
Week Two: Cats are all peeing all over the house. Every single inch around the perimeter of the room is soaked in cat piss and Jenn has been home for approximately one day since the onset of the “cat fight”. (She was a busy girl, you know, with all the stalking.)
Week Three: Spliff is sleeping. Ce-Smell-Ya is finally starting to warm up to everyone and Ernge and Beege are calmer and the cat piss smell is almost gone from the apartment after lots of carpet scrubbing (done by Spliff and yours truly). Spliff wakes up to Ce-Smell-Ya pissing on her side. Yes. She decided that pissing and/or making the other cats piss all over the house wasn’t enough, she would now mark Spliff as her territory. (Round One of Battle of Spliff and The Whore)
Later in Week Three: After being locked in Jenn’s room for days with her (really smelly) litterbox, Jenn lets Ce-Smell-Ya out. She weasels into my room while I am at work (because Jenn probably went in there to steal clothes or tampons and left the door open) and takes a gigantic smelly poo in my laundry basket. Oh yes. Clean clothes no more.
Later Still: Ce-Smell-Ya somehow manages to fling poo the entire length of the hallway outside of the bedrooms while we are sleeping. I wake up to go to work and she has eaten half of a sleeping bag (the half that is not covered in poo). I throw her back in Jenn’s room.
Week Four: Spliff and I are drinking vodka and sitting on the hammock on the porch. Ce-Smell-Ya jumps off the second story balcony, to the ground, and into a tree. Spliff and I spend an hour running around the back yard in the middle of the night singing “Ce-Smell-Ya, I’m begging you please to come home…come on home…” (I don’t know why we didn’t just let her go). We angered neighbors and a very large dog but managed to pry the bastard cat from the palm tree outside and bring her back up to Jenn’s room.
Later in Week Four: Despite our efforts to keep her locked in Jenn’s room, she mysteriously (or not so mysteriously) kept getting out. Spliff has pulled out her brand new, long time coveted $80 boots…and they are chewed. And clawed. And Spliff, the docile, sweet, huggable thing that she is, calls Jenn (who is in the middle of a date with C) and tears her a new asshole while throwing the cat back into the pigsty that was Jenn’s room. (Round Two)
Later that night: Jenn throws a fit because the cat is in her room (Keep in mind, this is the same cat that she brought home while on a stealth stalking mission in the middle of the night. The same cat that she expected us to take care of and then ate and pissed on everything we owned…including US.) and that he comic book covers were destroyed. Ummm…comic book covers vs. $80 boots? What? It wasn’t even the books…just the covers. (Round Three)
Even Later that night: Ce-Smell-Ya was banished to OUTSIDE.
Week Five: After Jenn kept letting her back inside the house smelling like she’d been involved in the neighborhood kitty bang, she mysteriously (wink, wink) disappeared…(I’ll never tell…) We’ve all had our speculations about what happened to that bastard cat…but they shall never be confirmed.
(I think we all know what song is stuck in my head...)