Recipe for Debauchery

Ingredients for nights out at Pete’s:

1. Green sharpie. This will be stolen off of a keychain and then be used to write “I love JM” on everyone’s hands.
2. Office Boy. He will smell good, but he will be as cocky as ever and try to convince everyone that you are going to have sex with him. Which you don’t.
3. Vodka and Red Bull. JM will drink these until she is throwing up out of the side of her ex-boyfriend’s car, no doubt, begging for French fries.
4. Stranger’s hat. You will put it on. You will look like Steve Irwin and you will have your picture taken.
5. Bartender with many tattoos. He will bring you drinks. He will smile at you. JM will scream at him, “You are SO. FUCKING. HOT.” Repeatedly.
6. Tracy and Ryan. You will meet them and Tracy will forget your name over and over again until Ryan tells him and then guesses your middle name and freaks you out.
7. Andrew. He will attempt to hit on you by saying, “How YOU doin?” before realizing that he doesn’t sound like Joey at all. He will call his friend Dave. Dave will say, “How you doin?” He will sound like Joey. Andrew will say, “Okay, thank you. Go away. Now I get to talk to her.” You will be confused and wish that Dave would come back.
8. Navy dudes. They are pretty much everywhere. They will buy you breakfast if you let them. They will sing “Here I go Again” at the top of their lungs with you. They will offer to be your sugar daddy.
9. Flo. She will be your waitress at the Village Inn. Her name will not be Flo but the Navy Dudes will insist on calling her that anyway. Flo will regulate on their asses.
10. More beer. You will inevitably think that the 75 that you already had weren’t enough. You will stop at a gas station where the cashier looks like Santa.