I think the last time that M and I had a real conversation was right after Matt died. I think that it was probably one of those conversations where he starts talking to me about something very serious and then abruptly becomes aware of himself and the fact that he might actually be opening up…and then it just stops. He clams up and our conversation is over.
I can’t speak for how he communicates with other people. But sometimes I feel like he is reaching out to me. Like he really does trust me, despite his inability or unwillingness to show it. I am flattered and saddened. Flattered because I don’t often see him put himself out there and when he does, I view it as a priviledge. And saddened because it makes me realize how much he is actually hiding and how many people will never see it. Goodness, sadness, vulnerability, love. All of those things that he tries so desperately to hide. And every once in a great while, he lets me in, just enough to reawaken the part of me that always knew what kind of person he is.
We talked about Matt again. He’s still so angry. Pain disguised as anger. I can’t say that I blame him. I am angry too. I think we all are. The difference is, this is the only emotion M will allow himself to express whereas the rest of us, have come to terms with it…maybe not completely, but I am sure that I am only placing partial blame on the parties involved and I am not being unjust in my feelings. I still mourn, but I can’t bring myself to hate. Matt wouldn’t have.
I don’t know if anything I have ever said to M has made any difference. But I know, at the very least, he knows that I am genuine. Because I have never lied to him. He is fragile despite appearances and I like to think that just knowing that I am there, whether or not he uses me as a resource, it helps. Really, I almost feel that, out of all of us, he needs it the most.
1 comment:
I hope this doesn't belittle any part of what you are talking about, but it sounds a little like a friend I have. He's changed a great deal since a loved one of his had an accident. His life SHOULD be going perfectly (except for a divorce - thought that was also AFTER the accident) but he puts so much time and effort and thought into helping out the other person that he has no time left for himself or to even allow himself to actually process what DID happen. He can't feel too sad for her cause that doesn't help. He can't feel regret or anger or anything that doesn't address the problem and assist financially with the repercussions. There are times when we hang out that I see, if not all, at least a large chunk of my old friend. I almost wish I didn't simply cause it makes me realize how much I have lost, myself, and I just can't feel self-pity because what HE is going through is so much worse. I just try to be there for when he DOES want to talk about it or when he just wants to go out and blow off some steam.
Again, sorry if anyone takes offense at me commenting since I truly do not understand what happened. Perhaps some is in old postings I haven't come across yet, I don't know. But what I understand tells me there might be some similarities.
You sound like a good friend. That's why I like coming by this bloggy thing. You is good people.
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