I don’t mind if it rains, hell, I even kind of like it provided I am in bed and not in traffic. I have a feeling that the drive home today is going to be sort of like that time we evacuated for a hurricane (I can’t remember which one, sue me) and it took us 13 hours to get to Sarasota (a trip that normally would have taken FIVE hours, give or take).
When it rains in Florida, people lose their ability to drive. They seem to think that, even the slightest drizzle is cause to drive 4.2 miles per hour in places where the speed limit is 60. And then when it starts pouring, there’s the asshole in the redneck truck (you know, with the rebel flags on the back window and the unnecessarily long antenna) who thinks that because he has a big, stupid truck (and probably a small, shriveled penis) that he will “cowboy up” and drive like one of those Nascar fools, causing every puddle (and by puddle, I mean small lake) to land directly onto my windshield. I call this a redneck waterfall. I am blind, I am vulnerable, and I am stuck behind grandma in the Oldsmobile who can’t find the gas pedal.
I love driving home. It is always a miracle that I make it there without getting out of the car and choking someone. But don’t think I haven’t wanted to.
Okay, I will drop it.
I did watch Nip/Tuck last night (woohoo!) and, of course, had a dream about peeling a morbidly obese lady off of a couch that she was fused to. It was pretty gnarly. I could have done without it, seeing as I had just watched it. I didn’t really have to BE there, subconscious.
Random excerpt from email conversation I just had: “Then you could smell like old books and cat pee. For some reason that turned me on… mmmmmm cat pee.”
I really hope that I don’t get kicked for sharing that, but I really can’t see how I could have left it out. It just makes me giggle.
Stuck-in-my-head Song of the Day: "Center of the Universe" - Built to Spill
2 comments:
So move closer to work. Or work closer from home. Ooh, ooh...or learn to fly!! Flying would be fun. Then you can look down at all the people who can't fly and are stuck in their cars yelling and sreaming and looking up at you all envious and stuff saying "I wish I could fly, too" but they can't cause only you can do that with your special magic fairy dust or is magic fairy dust redundant since if you're a fairy, you MUST be magic to some degree unless you aren't amgical at all and just have the wings like a fairy and fly like a bird until you come to your home or nest and land nd then you have to walk inside to get out of the rain which I guess would've been raining on you the whole time so you'd be soaked unlike those people in cars so maybe you shouldn't fly. Yeah. Flying would suck. Nevermind. I need to eat something.
Old people drive big cars for the same reason fat women insist on still wearing mid riff shirts... cause they were told they should. They grew up seeing these big ass cars and wanted one. My mom still looks at a caddy and says "That's a nice car". The adds "Except for the gold hubcaps and sparkles all over it and that weird crown in the back window and cd's hanging from the rearview."
And remember, it's not the old woman going slow, it's the car. I mean, those gas pedals are really tough to push down. You should feel sorry for them, all that effort they have to exert just to go get their meds.
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