I had a long conversation with ZH last night. Every once in a while, I start to really think about how much I have to lose and I get a little spooked. I rarely tell him, but last night, I couldn’t help it. It doesn’t help that we talk every day. It doesn’t help that I have vowed to myself to stay here until at least June, just causes more pressure. I almost wish we weren’t in constant contact. I am not good at waiting. I am even worse when I have reminders of what I am waiting for.
Its like when I was a kid and they started putting out the Christmas decorations right after Halloween. The anticipation was unbearable, and didn’t lessen. The closer it got to the actual day, the more I felt like I could burst with excitement. Everything was a reminder of what was to come. But it really was torture to wait. But always worth it when I got exactly what I wanted.
Talking about it wasn’t easy for me. And he never says exactly the right thing at the right time, but that’s what makes me feel better. He says exactly what he means. He says it exactly when he means it and because they aren’t always the perfect, well-planned words, it restores every faith I have in him. Because he doesn’t rehearse or pretend. Probably because he knows he doesn't have to.
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