So sue me. I got tired and bitchy and skipped physical therapy to come home and wear pajamas. There is something about pajamas that can lure me out of just about any situation. Also, the therapy occurs just feet away from my office and I thought to myself, “Hey, I have worked a whole day. I think I will get as far away from this place as possible.” So I did. And I even felt guilty. Guilty! What the hell is wrong with me?
I called ZH on the way home because his call wouldn’t come for another hour as he thought I was at work. He was sleeping. He answered the phone with a “Hey!” that gave him away, even through the “I’m awake!” tone he was trying so hard to fake.
It made me smile. I needed to smile.
Although, I may have hidden it well, I have been really stressed out lately. I don’t know if it has been because memories of holidays past with my grandma have triggered it. Or the distance from ZH and close friends that I miss terribly. Or the change in my living situation. Any of these could have done it, or a combination of all three.
I have mentioned before that my grandma was the meaning of the holiday season for me (and probably Fish Head too) and seeing that she died on Christmas a few years back, it is always bittersweet. I find myself in tears without any real trigger, I am on edge, and then sometimes just plain angry. Not angry at her. Just angry in general. And while I thought I had overcome these things, I think I may have just been able to mask them well for short periods of time. But they have peeked through and bled onto people who didn’t deserve them. For that, I am regretful.
Also, this is the first year that every single one of my closest friends has been away for or living far away (or both) for the holidays. While I saw several of these people, I was still trying to make peace with the idea that they, inevitably, would leave again. And even though I am in almost constant contact with a few of them, I still feel a little…lost…without their presence.
I love my living situation the way it is. Possibly more than I could have expected to. But I have noticed a change in myself since it has started. I have a lot more time to think. (Independently with MY half of the brain, Spliff, can you believe it?) More time to think about what is important. And what is important to me has really kind of surprised me. I crave simplicity. Happiness. Unity. Love. It is surprising yet completely predictable at the same time.
Change is a scary thing. And while I have undergone a lot of regrouping and rearranging in the past few years, the realization that it had happened…just kind of snuck up. I am a grown up. I want grown up things. And I feel grown up emotions. And currently, am making one of the most grown up decisions of my life.
So maybe I have reason to be a little on edge. I am watching the childhood that I thought would last forever, vanish. And as hard as I tried to hold on to it for so long, it has slipped through my fingers and I fear this time, it might be for good. The scariest part about that, is that I think this time, I might just let it go.