Being single is becoming confusing.
I had a conversation with Pookie the other day that really hit home with me. She was saying how she has never been able to commit to anything (this is not entirely true, she was able at one time...but that time has long since passed...) and how she is sort of...content being that way. Pookie has always been the one of the two of us who has believed in love. She was ever the optimist. She always did whatever was in her power to make a relationship work. And I, on the other hand, bail the second that things get tough.
I have always been the ultimate cynic. I could attribute this to any number of factors in my life. You know, the fact that my parents hate each other, the fact that my mom is sort of lacking a backbone and I don't want to be like her (EVER), the fact that (duh) all of my past relationships have failed...I could go on but it wouldn't matter. The fact is, I am a pussy.
Yes, it is very true that I never want to become complacent and bored like my mom, but it is also true that I have had some very successful relationships and have ended them (or made someone miserable enough to do the deed for me) because I have been scared. I am "that guy". Seriously, I am the dude (because it is always a dude) who plays the non-committal jackass in all of the chick flicks. This is not a shock to me, nor was it a shock to Pookie, but then, this wasn't the revelation that came while I was sitting on the beach, soaking up the Summer sun.
While we were talking, I realized that I have been running for so long that I have sort of...forgotten what I am running from, if that makes sense. I started thinking about some of the events of the last few months and what they are trying to tell me. One, I realized that there was one reason that I was able to stay with The Kid for so long. The fact is, I knew from day one that it wasn't going to go anywhere. Therefore? Nothing to be scared of. Nothing to run away from.
Two, I realized that I am tired of running. In fact, I am so exhausted from it that I can't see straight. I want to stop being scared of being a person with feelings and I want to stop sabatoging my relationships. Mostly though, I want an equal. A partner. Someone who knows me. I don't think that this is unreasonable and I don't think that it is impossible but I have never actually considered that this was an option for me. I mean, don't get me wrong, internet, I have had some amazing boyfriends but you can ask any one of them if I was ever completely ready to "settle down". Because they will tell you, I almost always had one foot out the door.
So Pookie has become this cynical girl who has decided just to float about in the dating pool and not really ever get attached. And I can't help but think how depressing all of that sounds to me now. I don't want to float anymore. For once, I actually want to find someone to love and to trust and to just...BE with. I am so insanely BORED and unhappy with the state of affairs right now, I could literally scream. I am almost thirty, internet! I need to grow the fuck UP and stop dating the wrong guys because I know they can't hurt me and stop fucking up my relationships with the right ones because I am a moron. Also, I guess this means I have to stop making out with my "friend" now. He probably isn't helping my situation. Crap.
Dammit, this grown up shit is hard.